The #1 most important thing I learned in my 30s (+ an interview with my dad)
Older and wiser, hopefully!
Hello! I’m trying something new with this letter. It has two parts:
Part 1: An interview with my dad, which I conducted around my 40th birthday (in September) to find out how he feels about having a 40-year-old daughter.
Part 2: Unfiltered thoughts on the #1 most important thing I learned in my 30s.
An interview with my dad
I thought it’d be nice to hear my dad’s perspective on having a 40-year-old daughter, so I shared a written Q&A with him. After responding, he had the idea to ask me a similar set of questions. We’re quite open with each other and have a nice relationship, but still, this was a fun and enlightening experience. Now I’m brainstorming different ways to interrogate him. If you have any suggestions for future “Dad Q&As”, drop them in the comments of this post.
The questions I asked my dad
Alexis: What does it feel like to have a 40-year-old daughter?
Dad: A real pleasure and honor, interesting, sometimes challenging, but happy you picked me! I would not want to miss it.
A: How have I surprised you the most over the last 40 years?
D: First of all, I was very impressed when you resigned from a very good job to start your own leisure wear brand, and secondly, how you’ve flourished over the last 5+ years. You have an open mind with a variety of friends that obviously like you very much, plus you are very versatile — you work, write, paint, play padel, make jewelry, and much more. Thirdly, your move to the Netherlands and basically starting over. That takes guts.
A: Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently as a father of a daughter?
D: I tried hard to be there for you and your brother in terms of time and effort, but I think I still missed out on some things. I am not sure spending more time is the right answer, but I would have liked to do some more travel/experience-type things with you. Overall, I am happy with our father/daughter relationship, which I now consider a friendship.
A: What’s your funniest memory of me as a kid?
D: Coming home from a business trip and seeing that you had redecorated your room again, sometimes with a paint job. I thought you’d become an architect or interior decorator. Never realized my house was party central until the picture show at your high school graduation. You, at the age of 10, ordered a whole lobster when we were in Amagansett and ate it tip to tail (by yourself and with good table manners)!
A: I’m sure I wasn’t a walk in the park (at least not all the time). Was there ever a moment or situation where you questioned your decision to have kids?
D: Having kids is not always easy, especially with a busy career and travel, but I never questioned it. I loved having you at my house and doing things with you, from skating to dollhouse projects and driving you to your boyfriend.🙃It has been very special to me.
A: What advice do you have (that I probably won’t listen to), to make the most out of my 40s?
D: Time to take stock of where you are now and how you see your future and what you still want to do, see, and explore —THEN GO FOR IT! The world is your oyster, and fortunately, you are in a good spot.
The questions my dad asked me
Dad: What does it feel like to have a father in his 70s that you have known all your life?
Alexis: Have I known you all my life? Kidding! It feels nice to know that you’re always there for me, and if I think back on ALL the years we’ve had together so far, I have many fond memories of doing fun and creative things with you. Things like building the dollhouse you mentioned and gluing all the shingles (one by one) onto the roof, ice skating on the weekends, you coming to all my field hockey games in high school, you reading The Little Prince to me before tucking me into bed, going into the city and trying new restaurants, having beers together in Amsterdam, and so on. It’s nice to have a father who’s also like a friend, especially as I get older.
D: How have I surprised you over the last 40 years?
A: Honestly, I think you’re quite predictable… Maybe it’s because I know you so well, but I pretty much know how you’ll respond to different situations, what you might say, and how to push your buttons. Maybe that’s the most surprising part, that I’ve figured you out! (And that there are some things you don’t know.)
D: What is your funniest and fondest memory of me as a dad?
A: I have so many! Here are just a few:
The time you dressed up as a sumo wrestler using white hotel towels when we were on vacation (I think in Portugal?). Wish I had a photo of this!
The time you asked if you could dance on the bar at my 25th birthday party.
Swimming in the pool or ocean together and singing “hold me, hold me, never let me go”, while I was clinging to your back. Lol.
Poffertjes and Hagelslag for breakfast on the weekends.
D: Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently as a daughter, and do you now regret not doing something with your father?
A: Tough one! I think I would have been more open to some of your advice (mainly financial stuff) instead of resisting it. In the end, I listened to you, and I’m grateful for that, but I could have been less stubborn. We’ve had a lot of nice times together, and I know we will continue to do so. I have no regrets!
D: I am sure I was not always a “walk in the park” dad (at least not all the time). Did you ever consider trading me in for a different model?
A: I plead the fifth. (DAD: LMAO)
D: What advice do you have for me that you think I will listen to?
A: You’re never too old to try something new! GO FOR IT! Also, make time at least a few days a week to do some light exercise, preferably using some weights. I know you play tennis in the summer and walk a lot, but it’s also important to build muscle!
The #1 most important thing I learned in my 30s
I turned the big 40 in September, and I’m embracing midlife! After treating myself to a massage and facial, enjoying a lovely dinner at Roux in Amsterdam with my boyfriend, and walking into my living room (bra-less) on the Saturday night before my birthday to find my friends crouched in the corner to surprise me, I also found myself reflecting on my biggest learnings from my 30s.
I’ve experienced many changes in the last decade: marriage, divorce, shutting down one business and starting a freelance writing one, moving to a new country, and so much more. I thought I knew it all when I was 30, but in hindsight, I knew nothing (which was sort of a superpower I now miss!).
I’m sure I’ll feel the same about 40 when I reach 50, but for now, I must say, I’m enjoying this age. It’s nice to feel young yet secure in who you are. To know what you want and what you don’t, and to feel more confident saying no. Which brings me to my biggest lesson from my 30s…
Only do things because you truly want to, not because you think you should.
I know it’s not rocket science, and I’m not the first person to share this theory, but lately (although not always successfully), I have been applying this to EVERYTHING.
From small things, like saying no to coffee with a friend when I’d rather rot on the sofa, or telling clients I can’t add more meetings to my calendar, to the bigger stuff we feel pressured to do because of societal expectations. For example, getting married or having kids or becoming a director or VP at some big company, just because everyone else is doing it.
The fact that my boyfriend and I agree on not having kids helps, of course, but even so, I used to feel strange or guilty for not wanting what was expected. The question about kids comes up far less now, and I suspect it’s because people assume now that I’ve entered midlife, my eggs have shriveled and dried up (lol — not quite!). But it’s liberating! Letting go of all those conventional milestones has been freeing. Now I’m just trying not to get sucked into the anti-aging narrative and instead embracing my age (and the grey hairs as they trickle in), because as I’ve said before, aging is better than the alternative!
Before wrapping up, I just want to say: if the traditional path works for you, that’s wonderful. But realizing (and finally accepting) that it’s not for me has lifted so much pressure to “keep up.” I wish that same relief for everyone.
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. If you enjoyed this issue of Mera Magazine, feel free to like, comment, and/or share it to help more readers find it, and so I know what’s resonating. ♡