Welcome to Second Half… an interview series exploring how people of all ages are thinking about the second half of their lives. This week, I’d like to introduce you to Rachel Kramer Bussel, a New Jersey-based freelance writer and editor of personal essay magazine Open Secrets.
Name: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Age: 50
Location: Outside Atlantic City, NJ
Relationship status: In a long-term relationship
Hobbies: Jigsaw puzzles, reading, walking
Personal or side projects: Finders and Keepers podcast
Occupation: Freelance writer and editor-in-chief of Open Secrets Magazine
Kids: I have a very energetic and adorable toddler.
Who are you, and what should we know about you right off the bat?
I’m a mom, a writer, editor, and podcaster. I’m pretty nerdy and introverted but also love people.
Is there a part of yourself that you’re hoping to rediscover in your second half of life?
I’m hoping to be a better friend and develop new friendships, to be the kind of mom who’s there for my daughter and sets her up to pursue her dreams, while also figuring out my own creative dreams and ambitions and following the ones that make the most sense for my life.
What do you care less about now than you did 10 to 20 years ago?
Social media and trying to impress strangers.
What do you care more about now than you did 10 to 20 years ago?
My family and the way my home looks and feels.
When you imagine a good life at 50, 60, 70, or 80, what does it look and feel like?
Doing work that’s meaningful to me but doesn’t add undue stress to my life, feeling mentally and physically healthy, and hopefully making a positive impact on the larger world in some way.
Have any major losses, disappointments, or life transitions changed how you think about your second half?
My grandfather’s death this spring shook me a lot, even though it wasn’t unexpected since he was 102. He was a role model to me in many ways in terms of caring for his family, writing the book he’d dreamed of for decades in his eighties, and leaving his mark on the world. He always seemed younger than his age and was physically active until the very end. Losing him, and going through infertility in my forties, have made me more aware of the limited amount of time I have left and how easy it is to let days/weeks/years pass by without being as fully present as I could be.
What are you no longer willing to postpone?
Enjoying my leisure time without guilt.
What role do work, achievement, or ambition play in your life today compared to earlier chapters?
While I still have dreams and goals, I’m reformulating them for this period of my life when those are secondary to raising my daughter. I’ve spent almost my entire career chasing goals and feeling like if I’m not obsessing about them 24/7, I’m not really committed to them. I’m trying to leave that mindset behind and make better strategic use of my time, rather than trying to do everything and feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m thinking more about if, when, and how work can fit into my life, rather than crafting my entire life around work. I’m also becoming more okay with letting my personal projects percolate and take longer than they might have if I were working on them around the clock.
What have you learned about happiness that your younger self wouldn’t have understood?
It’s a cliché, but I’ve learned that happiness has to stem from an internal source; otherwise all the external praise in the world feels meaningless.
If the second half of life has a theme or guiding principle for you, what would it be?
Change. I feel like every time I think I have a handle on who I am, I discover new facets of myself, often the opposite of who I was and what I prioritized.
What does growing older mean to you now?
It means that I’m embracing my fifties and not trying to keep up with what people younger than me are doing (or people older than me). I’m trying to figure out my own path rather than what anyone else is dictating for me. Some days I’m more successful at that than others.
What are you still trying to figure out?
How to integrate my passion projects into my life without letting them take over. My ADHD often takes over and tells me that if I’m not doing something perfectly or the most optimized way, I might as well not even bother. I’m trying to figure out other ways to approach the work I enjoy so I can still enjoy it.
What belief about life have you changed your mind about?
I used to think that I needed the rush of bylines and achievements to feel proud of myself. Over the past few months, I’ve been moving far away from that mindset and not putting pressure on myself to always be creating, in hopes that someone else will deem me praiseworthy. That is, and has been, a huge and challenging shift, but it’s also made me appreciate all the more personal moments that make me proud in my daily life.
What are you trying to say “yes” to more these days?
Leisure and pleasure. I spent decades always tempering my downtime with mental to-do lists and feeling guilty if I wasn’t always hustling. I still have things I want to achieve, but not at the cost of my mental health.
What are you trying to say “no” to more these days?
Busywork. There’s an endless amount of promotion I could be doing for Open Secrets and Finders and Keepers, and much of it feels futile and cuts into time I could be writing or generating new ideas.
What are you learning to let go of?
On a very literal level, I’m letting go of a lot of my belongings. I’m shipping the erotica books I edited and collected during the first 20 years of my career to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas so that they can be useful to those interested in the genre. I’m trying to downsize now in case I ever move and for the sake of my daughter, while also trying to use and savor the belongings I have rather than constantly seeking out new ones.
What feels more urgent now than it did ten years ago?
I’m not sure. I actually feel like I’m trying to treat fewer things as urgent, because often the way my brain works is that I’ll consider even tiny things “urgent” and then feel stressed around the clock, and actually urgent things will just add to my overwhelm. I’m rediscovering what my life and creativity are like without so much urgency. This de-escalation isn’t my natural tendency; I tend to fill any gaps in my schedule with tasks I deem urgent to make me feel useful and important, but that actually don’t need to be done quickly and don’t need to weigh on my mind. I’m using this time in my life, when I’m mainly focused on motherhood, to set fewer professional deadlines for myself and explore where my instincts and interests take me without heaping on additional internal pressure, even if the end result isn’t something I can brag about on social media (or anywhere else).
What would make you look back and think, “I used my time well”?
My daughter being confident and independent while still seeking out my opinion as she gets older, devoting myself to my writing without caring about the outcome. She’s the center of my world, and I love that I get to teach her about life, language, and art, and to explore the world with her.
What do you hope people remember about you when you’re gone?
On a professional level, that I did my best to lift up other writers and collaborate with them in assorted ways, and on a personal level, I hope people remember me as someone who was caring and kind.
Big thanks to Rachel for taking the time to answer my questions, and as always, thanks for reading! Leave a comment or question for her below. 💬
P.S. If you’d like to participate in my Second Half series, fill out this form. The more the merrier! You can also answer it anonymously if you prefer.