What's your love language?
A humorous take on gifting (and getting laid) this Valentine's Day.
Hello… Happy Friday!
Since my last few letters have been on the heavier side, I thought I’d lighten the mood with some relationship humor from the archives. Hope you enjoy it, and Happy Valentine’s Day!
Don’t let this be another year where you forget Valentine’s Day and scramble for a last-minute gift. With the beloved Hallmark holiday approaching, now’s the perfect time to figure out how the fuck you’re going to wow the pants — or skirt — off your lucky lover. Even better, this guide will help you choose the perfect gift for your honey based on their love language.
Wait, what’s a love language? I thought you might ask!
Maybe you’ve been living under a rock, or you’re just a regular human who struggles to understand your own feelings, let alone someone else’s ideal way to give and receive love. Let me introduce you to Gary Chapman, the genius behind The 5 Love Languages. His book helps you understand how you love so you can (attempt to) explain it to your partner. The ultimate goal? Getting what you need from them — assuming they understand, which they probably won’t, because their love language is likely the polar opposite of yours.
Here’s the rundown on the five love languages — in my words (warning: I’m not a psychologist):
Acts of Service. You want someone to pick up your socks, cook your dinner, and basically parent you.
Receiving Gifts. Love equals expensive shit, obviously.
Quality Time. You demand undivided attention. Friends? Hobbies? Nope — your time now.
Words of Affirmation. “Tell me I’m amazing. Again. No, like again.”
Physical Touch. Hold my hand. Always. Even when I’m peeing.
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The perfect V-Day gift ideas based on your honey’s love language
1. Acts of Service ideas
For him
This one’s a no-brainer — a BJ. But also, if your back is sore or you just don’t feel like it, do we ever? You could spend the day picking up the random pairs of socks he’s left under the bed, in the bathroom, between the sofa cushions, next to the microwave, washing them, and neatly tucking them into his drawer. It’s a win-win. You did something nice for him, and your home is organized.
For her
You could pick up all those random socks and put them in the washing bin. No, not on the floor next to it. In it! I repeat, in the bin. You know, that round canvas container or square plastic bin sitting next to the washing machine. You could also clean up the rest of the clutter around the house, offer your woman a massage, and then maybe she’ll feel relaxed enough to offer your favorite act of service, just saying. And again, win-win.
2. Receiving Gifts ideas
For him
Get him something truly unforgettable: a subscription box for fancy socks. That way, when he leaves them all over the house, at least every room will look stylish. Bonus points if they have little hearts on them — he’ll cringe but secretly love it.
Side note: I went down a rabbit hole and actually found a cute subscription sock company called Say it with a Sock (love that they donate socks to schools and the homeless). 🧦 Also, not a subscription box, but another charitable sock company with some nice designs is Sexy Socks.
For her
Jewelry? Meh. It’s overdone. Instead, try a “Wine and Whine Kit”: a fancy bottle of wine, a cozy blanket, and noise-canceling headphones. Nothing says “I love you” like supporting her peace, quiet, and ability to ignore whatever nonsense you’re up to in the other room.
3. Quality Time ideas
For him
What does your guy like to do? What are his hobbies? Make a list and then pretend to care about whatever he’s into — even if it’s PS5 and Dungeons & Dragons (or whatever it’s called). You don’t have to enjoy it, but acting as you do will make him feel warm and fuzzy inside.
For her
Curling up on the sofa for a 30-minute episode of whatever sappy series she’s watching isn’t enough. Quality time means at least 12 hours of Sofa Saturday. Queue up The Holiday, Notting Hill, You’ve Got Mail, and When Harry Met Sally. And if that doesn’t win her over, add Love Actually and Sleepless in Seattle to the list. With all the snuggling and unrealistic romance, it might even lead to a happy ending.
4. Words of Affirmation ideas
For him
Wake him up on Valentine’s Day with, “Honey, you’re the best dick I’ve ever had.” He won’t care if you’re lying.
For her
When you wake up together on Valentine’s Day morning, gaze into her eyes, place a hand on her cheek, and say, “You’re beautiful inside and out. I love you more each day.” Pro tip: Prepare for her to get the ick and ask if you hit your head on the nightstand.
5. Physical Touch ideas
For him
Oops, I confused acts of service with physical touch… but we’ve already made it this far, so there’s no turning back. See how long you can run your hands through your man’s hair before he gets fed up and tells you to knock it off, assuming he still has hair. But don’t stop there. Poke his “cute little butt” every time he walks by, and to top it off, hold his hand all day long. Seriously, all day. Make sure you do everything together on Valentine’s Day.
For her
Two words: Massage oil. But first, refer to point three above (quality time). When you’re done, follow up with a relaxing full-body massage. Start with her shoulders, work your way down, and make it all about her. No shortcuts. No expectations. Just her. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this one — eventually.
Wrap it up
Oops, I mean, wrapping up. Now you’ve got the cheat sheet for Valentine’s Day success. Just remember, it’s the thought that counts. So no matter how wrong your gift is, the fact that you remembered and tried to make your corn muffin feel special will mean everything. (But seriously, I hope you get laid. If not, there’s always next year!)
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. If you enjoyed this piece, let me know by tapping the ♡ button below and leaving a juicy comment.
I'm sensing previous sock trauma in your life! 🧦🤣 This is a great list.. thank you 🥰
6. Oreos