Dating after divorce
My answer to a reader's question about dating after divorce, plus a Q&A with couples and sex therapist Kate Engler.
Hello!
Today I’m answering a reader’s question about dating after divorce. I’ve had this piece queued up for a while, but I have been hesitant to share it, as in answering Asia’s question, I’ve had to reflect on my own ways and my past, which isn’t always easy (but it is enlightening). So here goes nothing! Make sure you keep reading after my response because couples and sex therapist Kate Engler kindly answered a few questions on the topic.
Do you have any tips for getting back into dating after a longgggg post-divorce hiatus? I’m thinking about it, but haven’t acted on it yet.
— Asia Dawn from The Next Chapter
Truthfully, after I divorced, I didn’t wait very long to date. While I felt relieved that my marriage had ended, I also felt a bit lost and scared that somehow I’d end up alone, which, in hindsight, is silly. But I was 33, many of my friends were married, some were having (or had already had) kids, and I was starting over. It was scary!
Rather than sit with the discomfort, I revisited a past relationship. After quickly realizing that was a mistake (well, not a mistake per se, but a safe, comfortable choice that wasn't the right one), I created a Bumble profile just to see what was out there. But really, I think I did it to feel better about my situation and to feel like there would eventually be someone else out there for me.
There was one date that ended terribly, with the guy basically telling me it wasn’t worth it because I didn’t want to hook up. I reported his ass to Bumble immediately, and then closed my account. I think I was just unlucky, but after that, I tried to focus on living my life and doing what I enjoyed. I focused on hanging out with close friends and tried to change my mindset. If I were meant to meet someone, I would.
From that point on, I didn’t really think about whether I should or shouldn’t be dating. If I met someone organically and wanted to get to know them better, I was open to it. I’ve never actively chosen to be on a dating hiatus, so it’s hard for me to relate 100% to that part of your question, but I think it would be helpful to figure out why you’re only thinking about it and haven’t acted on it yet. Do you really want to date someone? Or, perhaps you think you should be dating?
There are loads of perks to being single, too, as I’m sure you know. When I met my now-partner about seven months after my marriage ended, I thought it was too soon. I had also just moved from New York City to Amsterdam, and I felt like I should be dating around before getting cozy with someone. We met through friends, and of course, it happened when I wasn’t really “looking”. After hesitating for a while, I realized that there’s no right or wrong time to start dating after divorce or to start a relationship, regardless of your situation (assuming you’re personally in a good place). If you’re enjoying your time with someone, it’s worth exploring.
That’s my two cents, but because I think your question is likely relatable to many, whether they’ve taken a break from dating after divorce or for other reasons, I consulted a professional as well. I asked couples and sex therapist Kate Engler a few related questions. Read on to find out what she said.
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Dating after divorce Q&A with couples and sex therapist Kate Engler
How can you know if you’re ready to date after a divorce? What signs should you look for?
I think you will know when you are ready to date after a divorce when you feel ready. I don’t mean that to sound glib or in a “duh” kind of way. I just meant that it’s different for everyone, and I don’t know if there’s really a measure or readiness. Some people jump in immediately, and that works for them; some people wait years. Some start and quickly realize it’s too soon, and others wish they had started sooner. All of that said, some of the things you can be on the lookout for are: