Dating after divorce
My answer to a reader's question about dating after divorce, plus a Q&A with couples and sex therapist Kate Engler.
Hello!
Today I’m answering a reader’s question about dating after divorce. I’ve had this piece queued up for a while, but I have been hesitant to share it, as in answering Asia’s question, I’ve had to reflect on my own ways and my past, which isn’t always easy (but it is enlightening). So here goes nothing! Make sure you keep reading after my response because couples and sex therapist Kate Engler kindly answered a few questions on the topic.
Do you have any tips for getting back into dating after a longgggg post-divorce hiatus? I’m thinking about it, but haven’t acted on it yet.
— Asia Dawn from The Next Chapter
Truthfully, after I divorced, I didn’t wait very long to date. While I felt relieved that my marriage had ended, I also felt a bit lost and scared that somehow I’d end up alone, which, in hindsight, is silly. But I was 33, many of my friends were married, some were having (or had already had) kids, and I was starting over. It was scary!
Rather than sit with the discomfort, I revisited a past relationship. After quickly realizing that was a mistake (well, not a mistake per se, but a safe, comfortable choice that wasn't the right one), I created a Bumble profile just to see what was out there. But really, I think I did it to feel better about my situation and to feel like there would eventually be someone else out there for me.
There was one date that ended terribly, with the guy basically telling me it wasn’t worth it because I didn’t want to hook up. I reported his ass to Bumble immediately, and then closed my account. I think I was just unlucky, but after that, I tried to focus on living my life and doing what I enjoyed. I focused on hanging out with close friends and tried to change my mindset. If I were meant to meet someone, I would.
From that point on, I didn’t really think about whether I should or shouldn’t be dating. If I met someone organically and wanted to get to know them better, I was open to it. I’ve never actively chosen to be on a dating hiatus, so it’s hard for me to relate 100% to that part of your question, but I think it would be helpful to figure out why you’re only thinking about it and haven’t acted on it yet. Do you really want to date someone? Or, perhaps you think you should be dating?
There are loads of perks to being single, too, as I’m sure you know. When I met my now-partner about seven months after my marriage ended, I thought it was too soon. I had also just moved from New York City to Amsterdam, and I felt like I should be dating around before getting cozy with someone. We met through friends, and of course, it happened when I wasn’t really “looking”. After hesitating for a while, I realized that there’s no right or wrong time to start dating after divorce or to start a relationship, regardless of your situation (assuming you’re personally in a good place). If you’re enjoying your time with someone, it’s worth exploring.
That’s my two cents, but because I think your question is likely relatable to many, whether they’ve taken a break from dating after divorce or for other reasons, I consulted a professional as well. I asked couples and sex therapist Kate Engler a few related questions. Read on to find out what she said.
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Dating after divorce Q&A with couples and sex therapist Kate Engler
How can you know if you’re ready to date after a divorce? What signs should you look for?
I think you will know when you are ready to date after a divorce when you feel ready. I don’t mean that to sound glib or in a “duh” kind of way. I just meant that it’s different for everyone, and I don’t know if there’s really a measure or readiness. Some people jump in immediately, and that works for them; some people wait years. Some start and quickly realize it’s too soon, and others wish they had started sooner. All of that said, some of the things you can be on the lookout for are:
Are you thinking/fantasizing about dating a lot? If so, is that because the idea of it is offering an escape or an indication that you’d like to get back out there?
Have you noticed yourself immediately post-divorce paying more attention to people and/or finding people attractive in a way that you might not have before? For most people, divorce makes you get a little tunnel-vision-y. You spend a lot of time mired in the hurt and pain, or simply processing the experience. It requires a ton of mental, emotional, and physical energy to process a divorce, and so you likely aren’t paying much attention to other people. If then, you suddenly notice that your head is on a swivel and you are clocking every attractive person that walks by, you may be ready to date.
Some time has passed, and you still find yourself dreading the idea of dating. This one is a bit tricky and individual. Sometimes that dread is a clear indicator you are not ready, but sometimes it’s a sign that you are just scared and avoiding it. There is no rule that someone should ever have to date again after a divorce, but if you know you want a relationship or companionship, and the dread is getting in the way, it may be a sign to push through it.
How can you know if you’re not ready to date yet after a divorce? What signs should you look for?
Back to the feelings of dread — if the dread you feel is rooted in deep grief or unhealed wounds, dating isn’t necessarily going to be helpful. The type of dread you are feeling is highly subjective, though, so it’s important to take the time to really reflect and sit with the feeling to get a clear sense of what’s driving it. And it’s totally ok not to get it “right”. You may think you are ready and then go on a date and quickly realize you are most definitely not ready. For some people, that’s how they figure that out.
Oh yes, that was me.
I wouldn’t say this is a reason not to date at all, but if what is driving your decision to date is based on fear (e.g., I don’t want to be alone, no one will love me, what if my ex finds someone before I do), I’m not sure that you’ll really get what you want/need from dating. Ideally, the motivation to date comes from a desire to add value to your life through connection and maybe partnership rather than scarcity and fear. I always tell people, only date if it’s a value-add.
Do you have a suggested timeframe to wait? Or is it highly individual?
I truly think it is highly individual. I have clients and friends who met their long-term partner just a couple of months post-divorce, and some had been divorced for years and haven’t dated. Neither is happier nor unhappier than the other.
What should you do if you feel so devastated that you never want to date again?
Honor that devastation and give yourself time to heal and grieve. The process of grieving a loss is a bit messy and nonlinear. If you try to rush it or ignore it, it will just sneak up and bite you in the ass. Try to trust that your process. It is uniquely yours, and it will take as long as it needs to take.
What are some good (non-overwhelming) ways to dip your toes back into the dating scene after a long post-divorce dating hiatus?
One of the first and most gentle things you can do is just spend some time getting used to the idea of getting back into dating. Be intentional about imagining yourself on dates, talking to people, planning dates, etc. Focus on what would be good/positive/nice about dating. (You don’t need to be intentional about focusing on the negative stuff. Our brains do that automatically!) Notice what thoughts and feelings come up when you do and attend to anything that needs it. This is like a warm-up exercise for your brain.
Join an app and commit to being an observer only for X amount of time. This helps to minimize expectations and lower the pressure.
Treat dating as a sociological or anthropological experience. You are just meeting people and learning what they are all about — that’s it. I have a friend who took this approach after her divorce and actually created a “field notes” journal for herself. She had several categories (e.g., who, how they met, where they went on the date, what they talked about, if they hooked up, initial impressions, and then thoughts a few days later).
She approached her dates as data collection opportunities, and it took so much of the weight off, and even the bad dates became interesting data. (I told her she needed to publish her notes as a book!).
OMG, I want to read that book! One last general question. I’m curious, what are your thoughts on dating apps?
I, like most people, have mixed feelings about dating apps. They are helpful in that they offer a pretty low-stakes way to get back out there if you want to, and the reality is that is how the overwhelming majority of people date.
You don’t have to leave the house; you can get your bearings before you take action, and you can observe long enough to get comfortable. However, I think they can also be tedious and weird, and leave too much room for ascribing meaning to people’s behaviors without all of the necessary info.
I have so many clients who will talk to me about a messaging conversation they are having with someone on an app, and they report something like, “This person’s slow response means they aren’t interested,” or “They’re entitled and giving me the runaround.” Then I’ll have another client tell me, “I was slow to respond because I was busy with work, and this person assumed I was giving them the run around or I wasn’t interested.”
My preference is always that people get out in the world and actually meet people, especially post-divorce. Sitting alone in your house swiping can get really depressing! I encourage people to get involved in something they already enjoy or have wanted to try; that way, they can meet people in real time and have a baseline of shared interests.
💬 Over to you, readers! Do you have any advice on this topic? Or related questions? Let’s chat in the comments!
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. To submit a related (or completely different) question to my advice column, reply to this email or write to me at alexismeradamen@substack.com. Whether you’re looking for real advice, a new perspective, or an absurd answer to a silly question, nothing is off limits! (If I don’t have an answer, I’ll find someone who does!)
Thank you, Alexis and Kate! I’m thinking that my upcoming new chapter in Barcelona might be the perfect time to ease back into things…we’ll see. (May or may not report back!)
Alexis, thank you for writing this. Your point about there being no universal timeline really resonated with me.
At the end of this month I’ll be two years divorced. My ex began actively dating less than a year after our divorce and even told me. It stung at the time, not because I wanted him back, but because it reminded me that healing isn’t linear and there’s no shared clock, only your own.
I really appreciated the idea that dating should be a value add, not a fear response. That distinction is powerful. Your piece was a great reminder that readiness isn’t measured in time, but in self awareness and intention.