Thank you, Alexis and Kate! I’m thinking that my upcoming new chapter in Barcelona might be the perfect time to ease back into things…we’ll see. (May or may not report back!)
Alexis, thank you for writing this. Your point about there being no universal timeline really resonated with me.
At the end of this month I’ll be two years divorced. My ex began actively dating less than a year after our divorce and even told me. It stung at the time, not because I wanted him back, but because it reminded me that healing isn’t linear and there’s no shared clock, only your own.
I really appreciated the idea that dating should be a value add, not a fear response. That distinction is powerful. Your piece was a great reminder that readiness isn’t measured in time, but in self awareness and intention.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Desaree! And for sharing a bit about your story... I'm glad this piece resonated with you and was a good reminder to go at whatever speed works for you. I think I grieved a lot when I got divorced, not because I missed my ex, but more about the whole idea of marriage (and that it didn't work in the way I hoped it would) and what I thought my life was supposed to be versus what it actually was at the time. Everything turned out way better than I had ever hoped/expected, and I grew a lot, but it was tough in the moment!
Great piece. I'm a divorce lawyer, and my advice is not to hop on the next train after getting off a train wreck. I see too many clients race into relationships during the divorce or rush the divorce to get remarried. My advice is to take the time to rediscover who you are without someone else. Too many people judge their self-worth on whether they are in a relationship. As if being alone is "losing" or somehow you are lacking in self-worth.
That’s great insight and advice! It’s such a pity that we tie so much of our self-worth up in romantic relationships. I’m guilty of it too. I guess that’s just our nature… we want to be loved, chosen, and understood.
Though, I should talk. I've been married 38 years and my kids tell me that if my wife dies first, I'll go soon after. But if I die first, she'll go on living her best life!
Another factor is the age you’re re-entering the market. And more importantly, the energy you’re carrying. I’ve met people in their 40s who feel 60, and people in their 60s who show up like they’re mid-40s. Even at my age (late 50s), when someone says, “I love spending the weekend with my grandchildren,” I’m grateful - because that’s not how I want to spend my time.
That makes a huge difference.
I’ve had women connect and say “let’s talk straight away,” before I’ve even had the chance to decide if they’re actually an interesting fit.
Eventually I realised they’re probably doing that because they’ve had 10 to 50 time-wasters before. But if you’re engaging with someone new as if you’re talking to someone old, it’s usually a recipe for disaster.
While dating apps seem low-stakes, their design definitely isn’t gender-neutral.
My female friends get deluged, so it quickly becomes wearing and they tune out. On the flip side, most men get drip-fed, so they likely over-invest too early.
My most entertaining recent experience was at the end of a call, where I said, “I’ve really enjoyed our chat - if you’d like to meet up, that would be great.”
She replied that she had a date the next night and another a few days later - what slot would I like? (😳)
I smiled, internally thanked her for the clarity, and said, “If our positions were reversed, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be rushing to say yes either.”
I wished her the best and said, if those turned out to be disappointing, I’d be happy to hear from her.
She sounded a little offended.
What struck me afterwards is how apps normalise behaviours that would feel completely off in real life. That kind of exchange across a café table or at a mutual friend’s barbecue would raise eyebrows. But through a screen, it’s easy to forget you’re still talking to an actual person.
I suspect she told her friends she’d spoken to some odd bloke. And from her perspective, maybe that’s fair. From mine, I don't know many people who'd be happy to sit on a competitive conveyor belt of 'love'.
This algorithmic nuance benefits the app (£, $), not the people using it.
In my experience, there are as many odd female profiles out there as there are “ick” men.
Ultimately, you need a sense of humour. And if you’re only in it for the ego strokes (or to dip your toe in the dating pool from the comfort of your sofa), probably best to avoid. M
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Mark! That is a very strange experience you described... the one where the woman blatantly told you she essentially had a waiting list. I haven't dated for a while, but I agree with what you said about how easy it is to act in an unacceptable way when it's through a screen... it dehumanizes the whole experience. I hear a lot of crazy stories from friends on apps, too, but then I know happy couples who have met that way. I guess it can be hit or miss (like most things).
That's a great point about age, both your actual age and your spirit/energy.
When I tried dating apps in the past, I always wanted to talk/meet right away because I was afraid of building a crush (on both sides) that would fall flat in person. I didn't want to waste my time. But I guess everyone has a different way of approaching dating, online and off!
I love the idea of dating as a value add rather than a panic response. That distinction alone can save people from a lot of unnecessary heartache. The “observer mode” on apps is also such a smart, low pressure way to ease back in without making it mean anything about your worth. After divorce, it makes sense that fear and curiosity can coexist. Letting yourself move at your own pace might be the most attractive energy of all.
Thank you, Alexis and Kate! I’m thinking that my upcoming new chapter in Barcelona might be the perfect time to ease back into things…we’ll see. (May or may not report back!)
You're welcome, Asia! Oooo Barcelona. Wishing you lots of happiness in your new chapter! <3
Thank you!💃🏻
Alexis, thank you for writing this. Your point about there being no universal timeline really resonated with me.
At the end of this month I’ll be two years divorced. My ex began actively dating less than a year after our divorce and even told me. It stung at the time, not because I wanted him back, but because it reminded me that healing isn’t linear and there’s no shared clock, only your own.
I really appreciated the idea that dating should be a value add, not a fear response. That distinction is powerful. Your piece was a great reminder that readiness isn’t measured in time, but in self awareness and intention.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Desaree! And for sharing a bit about your story... I'm glad this piece resonated with you and was a good reminder to go at whatever speed works for you. I think I grieved a lot when I got divorced, not because I missed my ex, but more about the whole idea of marriage (and that it didn't work in the way I hoped it would) and what I thought my life was supposed to be versus what it actually was at the time. Everything turned out way better than I had ever hoped/expected, and I grew a lot, but it was tough in the moment!
Great piece. I'm a divorce lawyer, and my advice is not to hop on the next train after getting off a train wreck. I see too many clients race into relationships during the divorce or rush the divorce to get remarried. My advice is to take the time to rediscover who you are without someone else. Too many people judge their self-worth on whether they are in a relationship. As if being alone is "losing" or somehow you are lacking in self-worth.
That’s great insight and advice! It’s such a pity that we tie so much of our self-worth up in romantic relationships. I’m guilty of it too. I guess that’s just our nature… we want to be loved, chosen, and understood.
Though, I should talk. I've been married 38 years and my kids tell me that if my wife dies first, I'll go soon after. But if I die first, she'll go on living her best life!
Great read, Alexis.
Another factor is the age you’re re-entering the market. And more importantly, the energy you’re carrying. I’ve met people in their 40s who feel 60, and people in their 60s who show up like they’re mid-40s. Even at my age (late 50s), when someone says, “I love spending the weekend with my grandchildren,” I’m grateful - because that’s not how I want to spend my time.
That makes a huge difference.
I’ve had women connect and say “let’s talk straight away,” before I’ve even had the chance to decide if they’re actually an interesting fit.
Eventually I realised they’re probably doing that because they’ve had 10 to 50 time-wasters before. But if you’re engaging with someone new as if you’re talking to someone old, it’s usually a recipe for disaster.
While dating apps seem low-stakes, their design definitely isn’t gender-neutral.
My female friends get deluged, so it quickly becomes wearing and they tune out. On the flip side, most men get drip-fed, so they likely over-invest too early.
My most entertaining recent experience was at the end of a call, where I said, “I’ve really enjoyed our chat - if you’d like to meet up, that would be great.”
She replied that she had a date the next night and another a few days later - what slot would I like? (😳)
I smiled, internally thanked her for the clarity, and said, “If our positions were reversed, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be rushing to say yes either.”
I wished her the best and said, if those turned out to be disappointing, I’d be happy to hear from her.
She sounded a little offended.
What struck me afterwards is how apps normalise behaviours that would feel completely off in real life. That kind of exchange across a café table or at a mutual friend’s barbecue would raise eyebrows. But through a screen, it’s easy to forget you’re still talking to an actual person.
I suspect she told her friends she’d spoken to some odd bloke. And from her perspective, maybe that’s fair. From mine, I don't know many people who'd be happy to sit on a competitive conveyor belt of 'love'.
This algorithmic nuance benefits the app (£, $), not the people using it.
In my experience, there are as many odd female profiles out there as there are “ick” men.
Ultimately, you need a sense of humour. And if you’re only in it for the ego strokes (or to dip your toe in the dating pool from the comfort of your sofa), probably best to avoid. M
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Mark! That is a very strange experience you described... the one where the woman blatantly told you she essentially had a waiting list. I haven't dated for a while, but I agree with what you said about how easy it is to act in an unacceptable way when it's through a screen... it dehumanizes the whole experience. I hear a lot of crazy stories from friends on apps, too, but then I know happy couples who have met that way. I guess it can be hit or miss (like most things).
That's a great point about age, both your actual age and your spirit/energy.
When I tried dating apps in the past, I always wanted to talk/meet right away because I was afraid of building a crush (on both sides) that would fall flat in person. I didn't want to waste my time. But I guess everyone has a different way of approaching dating, online and off!
Thanks for your reply Alexis and that’s completely understandable.
The only caveat is - perhaps consider swopping 3/5 messages first. For me, being pushed to a call immediately feels a little intrusive.
A touch like saying hello in a bar and being rushed into a corner for a heart to heart.
Regardless - loved the article 😎
That makes sense! Thanks again for reading and commenting!
I love the idea of dating as a value add rather than a panic response. That distinction alone can save people from a lot of unnecessary heartache. The “observer mode” on apps is also such a smart, low pressure way to ease back in without making it mean anything about your worth. After divorce, it makes sense that fear and curiosity can coexist. Letting yourself move at your own pace might be the most attractive energy of all.