I don’t want kids, and I’m finally OK with that
The Cool Aunt is here!
I don’t want kids. It took me 39 years to say that without hesitation.
For most of my life, I left the door cracked open—just in case. Just in case I changed my mind, just in case I needed to follow the script society wrote for me. But that door is closed now, and I’ve never felt more sure of anything.
Up until a few days ago, I couldn’t say it with such conviction. I was scared to close the door on the idea of one day being a mother. When someone asked, “Do you think you will have kids?” my response was always some version of:
“I’m not sure.”
“It’s not a hard yes, but it’s not a hard no.”
“I don’t know, it’s not something I ever thought I was put on this planet for, but you never know, right?”
“I’m not sure, but I better decide soon, I’m almost 40!”
Or some version of a response that screamed: I have no fucking idea.
But the truth is, the longer I think about it, the more I see friends and family raising kids, and the more I imagine how I want my life to unfold, kids don’t fit into the picture.
Yes, kids are cute, loving, and wonderful, but they’re not for me.
At the time of writing this, I’m 39. When I was 29, I caved to social pressure. I got married, had the wedding, wore the rings, and the second I turned 30, a few mom friends asked me, “When are you guys going to have a baby?”
I would laugh it off and say, “I’m only 30! I’ve got plenty of time.”
But back then, I was busy quitting my cushy job in fashion to start a clothing brand with no clue how to grow it. My husband was building his career as a software engineer. We didn’t have time for kids. We were still figuring out who we were.
Fast forward four years, and I was 33, divorced, and packing for a three-month Euro trip, leaving my traditional lifestyle behind for the unknown. It felt terrifying, but it was also the most freeing experience of my life.
I was sure I never wanted to get married again, but I knew I wanted a partner. Someone to share life with, someone to travel the world with, someone to depend on.
At the time, I wasn’t convinced that I wanted a baby, but because my world had blown up and I was single at 33, I started to panic: If I want kids, I need to figure this out asap.
After settling in Amsterdam, I met my now-boyfriend. He was 27 then, and I was convinced that if I ever wanted kids, this wouldn’t work. He was too young. He would never be on the same page.
I even asked him to meet me for “the talk” six weeks into dating. Looking back, it was a little insane—I didn’t even know if he was the guy for me and I didn’t know if I wanted kids. We sat in a small café in Amsterdam, and I quietly said:
“What if this gets serious and I want kids one day? I’m 33, so I don’t really have time to waste.”
He looked at me like he’d seen a ghost. But his response was honest:
“It’s too soon to plan for that. We don’t know yet.”
His approach to letting life unfold is something I’ve grown to appreciate over the five years we’ve been together. But at first, OMG, I wanted to run.
I didn’t though because deep down, I knew that if I did, if I looked for a guy who wanted to settle down and have kids, I’d be running toward society’s expectations—not my own.
Unlearning what I thought I should want
Divorce taught me many things, but the biggest takeaway was this:
Don’t make life decisions just because you think you should.
It sounds simple, but it’s not. Looking back, while I did love my ex-husband at one point, I married him for the wrong reasons. All my friends were getting married, so I thought I should too.
I don’t regret it. It shaped me into the person I am today. But I will never again make a life-changing decision based on what I think I should do versus what I actually want.
That said, as a woman approaching 40, shutting the door on having kids has been a difficult decision. Not because I was dying to experience motherhood, but because I was struggling to find an identity.
Yes, I’m a daughter, sister, girlfriend, aunt, entrepreneur, and friend.
But if I don’t become a mom, what will I be? What’s my bigger purpose? I thought.
I love the person I’ve become, but when society tells you that you should want one thing and you don’t, it’s confusing as fuck. Choosing the unconventional path sounds sexy, and to be frank, it often is. But it’s also lonely and confusing because you’re not following, you’re leading.
I’m a Cool Aunt, and that’s enough
I’m obviously not the only woman who has chosen not to have kids, but for the first time, I can say full stop: I don’t want kids.
Time and awareness have helped me reach this decision, but I also have to credit Kelley Daring. After listening to her podcast episode about The Cool Aunt Archetype, I realized: That’s me!
I felt understood. I felt proud. I felt OK with saying, “I don’t want kids.”
I don’t identify with every trait of the Cool Aunt, but here’s what resonates:
The Cool Aunt is:
A child-free woman who’s secure in her own skin.
An adventure seeker.
Not afraid to challenge and disrupt societal norms about family structure and gender roles.
Redefining what it means to be a family.
Financially independent and self-sufficient.
A promoter of alternative lifestyles—living a life of travel, adventure, and personal fulfillment.
Loving and entertaining to her nieces, nephews, and friends children.
A woman who values personal happiness and freedom over traditional roles.
A role model and confidante for young people and peers who might feel pressured by traditional expectations.
Open and accepting to other ways of living, including choosing to be a mother.
Someone who honors herself and is dedicated to living her life to the fullest.
A rebel.
Are you a Cool Aunt too? Pull up a chair.
Closing the door
I’m not here to tell you not to have kids—that’s your choice.
But if you’re unsure, listen to that uncertainty. Sometimes, the questions we can’t answer reveal the truths we’re not ready to say out loud.
For me, that truth is:
I don’t want kids.
And I’m finally OK with that.
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. If you liked what you just read and want to support me, please tap the heart and leave a comment below to help more people find it (and so I know what’s resonating). ❤️
I didn’t want kids until I went off birth control.
Love this. I've never wanted kids and never thought I should have them, and it was such a release and freedom to let go of that idea. I really recognise myself in the Cool Aunt archetype too!