Yes! Hormonal birth control shuts off your body’s natural processes. Libido and desire to procreate came back about 6 months after I quit it! That’s awesome you’ve never been on it.
Love this. I've never wanted kids and never thought I should have them, and it was such a release and freedom to let go of that idea. I really recognise myself in the Cool Aunt archetype too!
Ahhh so glad this resonates with you! I was really struggling with the topic for a long time. I think it was more about being afraid to say I don’t want kids out loud than still wondering if I want them at all. Such a tough topic (from both sides, wanting vs not wanting). Thanks for reading and joining the discussion here! ❤️
Love how real this is and more women need to have the guts to admit this, when it’s true. Society sure has a way of making us feel like we need to go down a certain path before we have the emotional maturity to decide if that’s the route to take.
How did I miss this post?? OMG, I'm a fellow cool aunt :))
I never wanted kids and like you, I'd left the door open because past bfs wanted them. But once those relationships ended, I remembered who I was and what I wanted. Funny thing: it was one of the first things I spoke to my to-be husband in 2016 too. I was happy he didn't run away at the time :P
Funny how we can feel so much pressure around this topic. Well, not funny… It’s for obvious reasons. Happy to hear you’re a cool aunt too! I wonder… have you come up with any cheeky responses to dodge the “Do you want kids?” question? Or have people learned to leave you alone on this topic?
I like that one too. I once read a même that said “I take it as my purpose to enjoy life on behalf of those who have children”. Almost spat out my coffee but still have to use that one ;)
Gorgeous to catch up with you and your journey. I felt like I got to know you so honestly in this post. Love the publication name. Obviously, I am a Mum with 3 kids but this post still resonated with me in so many other ways. You have so many nuggets in here. Leaning into the uncertainty. The personal anecdotes and not making life decisions based on what you think you should have to do. Thank you for putting this out into the world. You are great.
Thanks, Lucy! I appreciate your thoughtful comment. It’s not always easy for me to “show a little ankle” as you say. ;) I’m also excited about celebrating and embracing The Cool Aunt lifestyle more through this publication. For me, it’s more about being ok with taking the unconventional route. The kid-free post seems to have resonated with many women, I’m glad, but there’s a lot more that I’m excited to write about too! Thanks again for checking in.
Such an important message for all, especially for the many women currently wrestling with what they truly want versus what society is telling them they should want. And then there’s the hard truth that not all women who want to have kids can have them and they feel ‘lesser than’. The more we normalise that life without kids is still a full and complete life the better. From one cool Aunt to another, thanks for sharing 😉 💫
Unrelated: if there ever were a remake of 'Practical Magic' (also known as the Halloween episode of Gilmore Girls) I would cast Fran Dresher and Pamela Anderson as the cool aunties.
Hahah. That would be good! Did you watch The Nanny? Btw, I just watched Practical Magic the other night for the probably 100th time. I love that movie so much. I made brownies while I watched it and licked the bowl. LOL
That's so sweet! I've watched it recently for the very first time (don't ask me how I've never seen it, given my alternative inclinations and my two favourite actresses are in it x.x) the nanny was fantastic! you should've heard it dubbed in Italian! They've given her the thickest southern Italian accent. I loved it
I’m the same age as you and have also come to the realization in the last few years that I don’t want kids. And when I hang out with friends that do have kids it reaffirms it haha. I mean, happy for them, but also, happy for us.
That’s a great way to put it! I too am happy for my friends who have kids and I love hanging out with their kids. But I also love leaving. lol. Glad this resonated with you!
It's awesome that you've figured that out. You must feel so much more confident in your skin now that you finally know the label you feel most comfortable wearing 🤩
Alexis, you are a brave woman! It's cool to admit what you want, even if your wishes go against societal norms. We all should listen to our hearts more! 🧡
I’m going right in the pits of this dilemma myself. It’s a huge pressure that nobody is telling you ‘have kids’ but when you thought you’d have the same lives as your best friends forever and ever and now things look different, it’s hard to decide. The choice doesn’t seem like mine rn in my circumstance which makes it harder as a single person to contemplate this. But i appreciate this piece a lot…
Thanks, Hannah! I’m glad it resonates with you. It’s a really tough topic and I think taking your time to decide either way is fine. You don’t need to have a definitive answer, I suppose. I didn’t for a VERY long time. But I must say, it’s a bit freeing to say this is it! Also, I remember when a lot of my friends started having kids, it was hard to see things change and lose the friend they once were to a certain degree. I always kept in mind that they were in survival mode during the first few years.
In the throes of it now - and highly charged emotions are around it all . Something I’m working on writing about (but with pseudonyms for all the ones who know it was them crying or laughing)! But must write
Good for you! I once read the quote that it is better to maybe regret not having kids than to regret having them!
I would also never advise anyone searching for a sense of purpose to have kids for that reason. I have a daughter but I don't see being a mum as a central part of my identity - that sense of purpose is something I find elsewhere, although I always do my best to be the best mum I can be. I'm a lot less made for this job than I thought I would be!
That’s a great tip. I agree better to regret not having kids, than having them. I would hate to have a kid and then not give them the best life possible because of regret. I mean, I assume I’d make it work if it happened, but they deserve the best! Do you struggle with balancing things so motherhood isn’t the central part of your identity? I always wonder about that. My mom was good at that, but many of my friends who have kids seem to struggle with it… If you don’t mind me asking… in what ways do you think you’re less made for the job than you thought? I love to talk about both sides of this topic! (I don’t think we do it enough.)
Mmm I would say however much time motherhood currently demands of me, it still isn't a central part of my identity. You know all those people who write mum in their bios? I just would never think of doing that. If I don't have enough time to do other things, I actually start feeling depressed. Up until this year, my husband and I had been very strict on splitting childcare 50/50 but at the moment he's renovating our new flat (plumbing, electrics, the works!) - we ended up wth 6 months where I did all the childcare, including all the weekends while he was at the flat. And it just made me really grumpy and miserable. I constantly feel like I should feel differently. Our daughter was planned, I really wanted to be pregnant and we were both so looking forward to starting a family. I always say to people that if it's not a 100% hard yes, don't have kids. Because even if you start off really wanting a child it can still end up not suiting you. Being a parent is the only job we expect everyone to love! I have learnt a lot from the experience and do my best and do sometimes enjoy it - but I'm definitely not as made for this as I thought I was.
Thanks for sharing this Susannah! I've heard similar things from other moms. I guess it's more common than we realize, but maybe people don't talk openly about it enough. I'm not sure as I'm on the other side of it. I agree with you that if it's not 100% yes, it's no. But I think it's also such a hard decision that maybe you can never be 100% sure about. We could talk about this all day long! haha. I appreciate your openness.
A great piece of writing Alexis. I’m with you on the cool aunt thing. Well, I mean, I’m not sure how cool I am, but I love spending time with my nieces and nephew and then handing them back 😂
it’s funny you know, I never wanted any kids and I ended up having 7 but it’s the most joyous and thankless job you can ever have, but I would’ve not given it up for anything but you making the choice for yourself is totally OK in my book👏💕 great great writing👏🎉
Thanks, Lisa! It is funny how things work that way sometimes. Wow 7 kids! That’s amazing! I’m not sure if I would survive as someone who loves my alone time. That’s the biggest part for me, I can’t imagine living for everyone else and on everyone else’s schedule. I really admire mom’s and all that you do. ❤️ I’m curious, what changed your mind on having kids?
Getting pregnant at 17 believe me I never wanted to have kids, but they’re the most joyous beautiful blessings. I’m sure they’re the reason I’m still alive. I am grateful. I was on birth control, but having that one percent of possibility that would be me. I guess I am a one % I’m almost afraid to say 1 % nowadays with the election and all🤣🤣🤣
I have no partner and no kids, and I'm happy to stay that way. I'm glad for friends and family who have them because it makes them happy. We don't all need or want the same things in life. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
I didn’t want kids until I went off birth control.
Interesting. Because of the hormonal changes you think? I've never taken birth control.
Yes! Hormonal birth control shuts off your body’s natural processes. Libido and desire to procreate came back about 6 months after I quit it! That’s awesome you’ve never been on it.
Love this. I've never wanted kids and never thought I should have them, and it was such a release and freedom to let go of that idea. I really recognise myself in the Cool Aunt archetype too!
Ahhh so glad this resonates with you! I was really struggling with the topic for a long time. I think it was more about being afraid to say I don’t want kids out loud than still wondering if I want them at all. Such a tough topic (from both sides, wanting vs not wanting). Thanks for reading and joining the discussion here! ❤️
Love how real this is and more women need to have the guts to admit this, when it’s true. Society sure has a way of making us feel like we need to go down a certain path before we have the emotional maturity to decide if that’s the route to take.
Yeah! 100%. Those pressures are really hard to ignore sometimes. Thanks for your kind words, Tori!
How did I miss this post?? OMG, I'm a fellow cool aunt :))
I never wanted kids and like you, I'd left the door open because past bfs wanted them. But once those relationships ended, I remembered who I was and what I wanted. Funny thing: it was one of the first things I spoke to my to-be husband in 2016 too. I was happy he didn't run away at the time :P
Funny how we can feel so much pressure around this topic. Well, not funny… It’s for obvious reasons. Happy to hear you’re a cool aunt too! I wonder… have you come up with any cheeky responses to dodge the “Do you want kids?” question? Or have people learned to leave you alone on this topic?
It depends on who is asking but I just say 'I'm selfish and want to focus on me'. That stops any other questions
That’s a good one. I usually say, “I like my life.” Lol
I like that one too. I once read a même that said “I take it as my purpose to enjoy life on behalf of those who have children”. Almost spat out my coffee but still have to use that one ;)
Welcome to the 'childless and happy' side ❤️ To each their own, it should never feel like an obligation.
Yes, you're very right about that!
Gorgeous to catch up with you and your journey. I felt like I got to know you so honestly in this post. Love the publication name. Obviously, I am a Mum with 3 kids but this post still resonated with me in so many other ways. You have so many nuggets in here. Leaning into the uncertainty. The personal anecdotes and not making life decisions based on what you think you should have to do. Thank you for putting this out into the world. You are great.
Thanks, Lucy! I appreciate your thoughtful comment. It’s not always easy for me to “show a little ankle” as you say. ;) I’m also excited about celebrating and embracing The Cool Aunt lifestyle more through this publication. For me, it’s more about being ok with taking the unconventional route. The kid-free post seems to have resonated with many women, I’m glad, but there’s a lot more that I’m excited to write about too! Thanks again for checking in.
I can’t wait to see what comes next for you. It feels really genuine and comfortable and it’s great to see your words out there.
Such an important message for all, especially for the many women currently wrestling with what they truly want versus what society is telling them they should want. And then there’s the hard truth that not all women who want to have kids can have them and they feel ‘lesser than’. The more we normalise that life without kids is still a full and complete life the better. From one cool Aunt to another, thanks for sharing 😉 💫
Yesssss! So important to normalize that you can still have a full life without kids. I really appreciate you chiming in on this topic!
Unrelated: if there ever were a remake of 'Practical Magic' (also known as the Halloween episode of Gilmore Girls) I would cast Fran Dresher and Pamela Anderson as the cool aunties.
Hahah. That would be good! Did you watch The Nanny? Btw, I just watched Practical Magic the other night for the probably 100th time. I love that movie so much. I made brownies while I watched it and licked the bowl. LOL
That's so sweet! I've watched it recently for the very first time (don't ask me how I've never seen it, given my alternative inclinations and my two favourite actresses are in it x.x) the nanny was fantastic! you should've heard it dubbed in Italian! They've given her the thickest southern Italian accent. I loved it
Glad to hear you’ve joined the Practical Magic club! haha.
I’m the same age as you and have also come to the realization in the last few years that I don’t want kids. And when I hang out with friends that do have kids it reaffirms it haha. I mean, happy for them, but also, happy for us.
That’s a great way to put it! I too am happy for my friends who have kids and I love hanging out with their kids. But I also love leaving. lol. Glad this resonated with you!
It's awesome that you've figured that out. You must feel so much more confident in your skin now that you finally know the label you feel most comfortable wearing 🤩
That’s a great way to put it! It’s quite freeing, tbh.
Alexis, you are a brave woman! It's cool to admit what you want, even if your wishes go against societal norms. We all should listen to our hearts more! 🧡
100%! Listen to our hearts and also understand that everyone is on their own journey and that’s ok.
I’m going right in the pits of this dilemma myself. It’s a huge pressure that nobody is telling you ‘have kids’ but when you thought you’d have the same lives as your best friends forever and ever and now things look different, it’s hard to decide. The choice doesn’t seem like mine rn in my circumstance which makes it harder as a single person to contemplate this. But i appreciate this piece a lot…
Thanks, Hannah! I’m glad it resonates with you. It’s a really tough topic and I think taking your time to decide either way is fine. You don’t need to have a definitive answer, I suppose. I didn’t for a VERY long time. But I must say, it’s a bit freeing to say this is it! Also, I remember when a lot of my friends started having kids, it was hard to see things change and lose the friend they once were to a certain degree. I always kept in mind that they were in survival mode during the first few years.
In the throes of it now - and highly charged emotions are around it all . Something I’m working on writing about (but with pseudonyms for all the ones who know it was them crying or laughing)! But must write
Ooo… can’t wait to read that! Please share it here (if you remember to!).
Good for you! I once read the quote that it is better to maybe regret not having kids than to regret having them!
I would also never advise anyone searching for a sense of purpose to have kids for that reason. I have a daughter but I don't see being a mum as a central part of my identity - that sense of purpose is something I find elsewhere, although I always do my best to be the best mum I can be. I'm a lot less made for this job than I thought I would be!
That’s a great tip. I agree better to regret not having kids, than having them. I would hate to have a kid and then not give them the best life possible because of regret. I mean, I assume I’d make it work if it happened, but they deserve the best! Do you struggle with balancing things so motherhood isn’t the central part of your identity? I always wonder about that. My mom was good at that, but many of my friends who have kids seem to struggle with it… If you don’t mind me asking… in what ways do you think you’re less made for the job than you thought? I love to talk about both sides of this topic! (I don’t think we do it enough.)
Mmm I would say however much time motherhood currently demands of me, it still isn't a central part of my identity. You know all those people who write mum in their bios? I just would never think of doing that. If I don't have enough time to do other things, I actually start feeling depressed. Up until this year, my husband and I had been very strict on splitting childcare 50/50 but at the moment he's renovating our new flat (plumbing, electrics, the works!) - we ended up wth 6 months where I did all the childcare, including all the weekends while he was at the flat. And it just made me really grumpy and miserable. I constantly feel like I should feel differently. Our daughter was planned, I really wanted to be pregnant and we were both so looking forward to starting a family. I always say to people that if it's not a 100% hard yes, don't have kids. Because even if you start off really wanting a child it can still end up not suiting you. Being a parent is the only job we expect everyone to love! I have learnt a lot from the experience and do my best and do sometimes enjoy it - but I'm definitely not as made for this as I thought I was.
Thanks for sharing this Susannah! I've heard similar things from other moms. I guess it's more common than we realize, but maybe people don't talk openly about it enough. I'm not sure as I'm on the other side of it. I agree with you that if it's not 100% yes, it's no. But I think it's also such a hard decision that maybe you can never be 100% sure about. We could talk about this all day long! haha. I appreciate your openness.
A great piece of writing Alexis. I’m with you on the cool aunt thing. Well, I mean, I’m not sure how cool I am, but I love spending time with my nieces and nephew and then handing them back 😂
Cool is in the eye of the beholder. Lol
Handing the kids back is the way to go! ❤️
it’s funny you know, I never wanted any kids and I ended up having 7 but it’s the most joyous and thankless job you can ever have, but I would’ve not given it up for anything but you making the choice for yourself is totally OK in my book👏💕 great great writing👏🎉
Thanks, Lisa! It is funny how things work that way sometimes. Wow 7 kids! That’s amazing! I’m not sure if I would survive as someone who loves my alone time. That’s the biggest part for me, I can’t imagine living for everyone else and on everyone else’s schedule. I really admire mom’s and all that you do. ❤️ I’m curious, what changed your mind on having kids?
Getting pregnant at 17 believe me I never wanted to have kids, but they’re the most joyous beautiful blessings. I’m sure they’re the reason I’m still alive. I am grateful. I was on birth control, but having that one percent of possibility that would be me. I guess I am a one % I’m almost afraid to say 1 % nowadays with the election and all🤣🤣🤣
absolutely💯
I guess it was meant to be! 😜
If anyone cares to share, I’d love to know your take on having kids or not…
I have no partner and no kids, and I'm happy to stay that way. I'm glad for friends and family who have them because it makes them happy. We don't all need or want the same things in life. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
Love how you put that! I think we should all be more open to everyone taking a different path. Seems like you already are! ❤️