I hate the smell of my husband's cologne. How can I tell him without being an asshole?

Welcome to Issue #3 of Ask Alexis.

Hello dears! Welcome to issue #3 of Ask Alexis—a monthly Q&A column where I answer your questions in detail. Whether you're looking for real advice, a new perspective, or an absurd answer to a silly question, nothing is off limits! Submit your questions here (it takes about 1 minute and 12 seconds). Let’s have some fun! Note: You must be a newsletter subscriber to pick my brain. It’s 100% free! (For now.)

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Ask Alexis - Issue #3

Dear Alexis,

My husband bought a new cologne at a duty-free store on the way home from our summer vacation in Greece. I made the mistake of not sniffing the samples with him, and now that we’re home, I’ve realized that I hate the smell of the one he chose. How can I tell him without being an asshole? (It mainly bothers me right when he sprays it, but then once it airs out, I can cope.)

— Emma S

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Oh, Dear Emma.

Yes, you made the rookie mistake of not joining him while he sampled the colognes. I know it’s agonizing, especially when they can’t make up their minds, but if you had just done your job of micromanaging the situation, you wouldn’t have to deal with this dilemma now. But here we are, so I’ll tell you a few ways that I’d consider handling this situation if I had a husband.

1. If you’re able to sneeze on cue (I wish!), you could start sneezing right after he sprays it and say, “Honey, could you apply your cologne out in the yard from now on (or at least outside my range of smell)? My allergies are acting up, and I think the aromatic oils in your cologne are irritating my sinuses.”

2. Next time you’re on a cleaning frenzy, you could “accidentally” drop it (hard, so the bottle breaks), apologize profusely, and tell him you’ll go with him to buy a new one on you. This way, you can kill two birds with one stone—help him choose a new scent and get rid of the one you hate.

3. If you have house cleaners, you could drop the cologne bottle in the trash bin while they’re cleaning and have them take it out when they leave. Just make sure you’re prepared for the next time he shouts from the bathroom, “Emma, where is my cologne?” I’d play it off like you’re sick of him always asking you where everything is. “I’m not your mother! If you’re tired of losing things, stay more organized!”

4. If your husband is the scientific, fact, and data-oriented type, you could try educating him on pheromones and their effect on women’s mood and sexuality.¹ Yes, I know, the cologne is not technically a pheromone (as it’s not secreted from your husband's body, thank god this is fixable!), but sharing this information could help drive home the point that if you don’t like how he smells (correction: how his cologne smells, it’s not him!), you’re definitely not gonna want to have more sex. Maybe you could even spin it in a way that reminds him how much you love his natural scent and that it will elicit a much better response² the next time he randomly grabs your boob.

5. Ok, ok, on a serious note: you could just try talking to him calmly about it, in a way that doesn’t make him feel bad. “Baby, I love you, but I don’t love your cologne.” And follow up with, “If you ever want to have sex again, throw that shit away!”

I hope I have sufficiently answered your question. Now it’s time to turn it over to readers. Guys, what advice do you have for Emma?????

See you soon,

Alexis

P.S. Don’t forget to submit your questions here for an upcoming issue of Ask Alexis! (Or send me a DM!)

1. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3987372/

2. https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/sex-life-pheromones