13 signs you've entered midlife
Or is it just me?
You suddenly hate every piece of clothing in your closet, and when it’s time to get dressed, you drop to the floor, raise your hands and feet in the air, and scream, “I have nothing to wear!” You say this repeatedly until your partner, kid, or pet comes to soothe you, “You don’t have a peri/meno belly, you’re beautiful.”
You don’t understand the purpose of working anymore and couldn’t care less about the minute details that you agonized over in your 20s and early 30s. But you haven’t quite figured out how you can retire early or do that thing, what’s it called… FIRE? I think it stands for Financial Independence, Retire Early. Yeah, that! If only you had planned better, you could have had an existential crisis alone on a deserted island.
When you go on holiday, you pack all your most comfortable (ideally elastic waistband) pants so you can eat your way around town without feeling like a sausage. Looking cute is overrated when food is involved.
When your niece, nephew, or kid asks for your thoughts on their outfit, you suggest a few ideas, but they look at you like you have three heads and reply, “That’s from the 90s!” Whatever, I think a white t-shirt under a spaghetti strap tank or dress is cute. See what I mean!?
Last year in Lagos, Portugal—take me back! Entire outfit is from Uniqlo, which is mainly where I find myself shopping these days. Your morning routine just keeps getting longer and longer. It’s not like in your 20s when you rolled out of bed, showered (or not), and stumbled into work half asleep or hungover. You need at least two hours to sip your coffee, journal, eat a healthy breakfast that’s packed with protein, and don’t forget the seeds; sunflower, sesame, pumpkin, and flax, but eat them according to your cycle because—even though there’s no scientific data or evidence—apparently they’ll balance your hormones. (I’ll report back on this because I’m actually trying it… eating more seeds can’t hurt!).
Your idea of a perfect Saturday night involves experimenting with a new recipe while listening to Amy Poehler’s podcast, Good Hang. Then you perfectly plate the dish (who needs restaurants anymore???) before you devour it in front of the TV while watching Something’s Gotta Give (RIP Diane Keaton—loved her!). Finish off the meal with a single square of 85% dark chocolate, a cup of chamomile tea, and then tuck yourself into bed at 9:30 pm. Read in the dark (love my Kindle for this reason!), until you doze off (I’m currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s All the Way to the River: Love, Loss, and Liberation and open to book recs if you want to share some in the comments!).
You attempt to be more stylish, but then wonder if you’re giving off cool vibes or midlife crisis vibes. But also, you don’t really care either way. Btw, these are Meller glasses, and after I ordered, they gave me this $10 off code to share with friends. I feel kinda cool because I discovered my first pair in a boutique in Madrid a few years ago, before the brand blew up. 😎
You’d rather spend a little extra money on a nice hotel or dinner out because YOLO, and also, you work hard and deserve to pamper yourself from time to time.
Rather than a wild night out on your 40th birthday, you gift yourself a two-hour massage and facial treatment, which is amazing and relaxing, but you spend the entire time thinking about food. Especially when the facialist leaves you alone for 15 minutes with an infrared mask and your thoughts.
Sometimes when you laugh really hard, cough, or sneeze, you pee a little. 🫢
You look around and everyone’s wearing a winter puffer and wool scarf; meanwhile, you’re sweating your ass off in a tank top.
You used to leave house parties at midnight to go to the club, but now you leave (at 10 pm sharp) so you can get home to brush and floss your teeth for 15 minutes before you curl up in bed with a good book, and proceed to fall asleep before you’ve finished reading the first sentence.
You realize that this might be the best time of your life because you’re still young, you (hopefully) know yourself better, you generally give less fucks about most things, and you’re done trying to please people, or at least you’ve learned a thing or two in therapy about “healthy boundaries”.
Cheers to getting older because it’s definitely better than the alternative!
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. Another thing I love about Seth Rogen (and his wife Lauren) is that they started Hilarity for Charity to help care for families impacted by Alzheimer’s disease. They also created a short film about Lauren’s experience of losing her mom to Alzheimer’s, which I sobbed through entirely but it made me feel a lot less alone in my mom’s Alzheimer’s journey. Woop, this post just went from light to heavy. Either way, hope you enjoyed it!
This is exactly on the money. Such a great read this morning!
Love it!