40 things I've learned in 40 years

And yet, there's still so much to figure out!

Hey,

I started drafting this letter as a list of 40 things I still don’t know at 40. I wanted to take a different approach and highlight that, even at 40, I still have no idea what I’m doing, but I didn’t get very far. It’s not because I have it all figured out (far from it!), but hindsight is everything. I realized that it’s hard to list off the things I still don’t know because, well, I still don’t know them!

👋 Hey from Zuid-Kennemerland National Park.

So instead, I looked back at a list that I created when I turned 39, mentioning all the things I had learned up until then. It’s interesting to see how my mind worked even just 12–18 months ago (I’m almost 40.5 now 😅). I didn’t change anything below that still resonates, but added a few notes in bold and italic. I also added #40 to the end of the list. So, without further ado, welcome to my brain. Ha! I’m curious what’s relatable to you, regardless of your age, so feel free to join the comments section!

1. What other people think or do doesn’t matter; do what makes you happy. But also, accept that you may never feel like you’ve found your life’s purpose, and that’s okay. Cliché — I know, I know.

2. The things you worry about are never the things that actually happen. Don’t worry so much!

3. Exercise is good for your mental health; the physical benefits are a bonus.

4. Work and climbing the career ladder are less important than you think. There are other ways to be “rich” in life, but don’t lose awareness that this is a privilege.

5. Living an unconventional lifestyle might come with some challenges (mainly from people who can’t comprehend it and your own self-doubt), but staying true to yourself is more important.

6. Caring for an aging parent (especially one with Alzheimer’s) is hard as fuck. Probably the hardest thing you’ll ever deal with. I can confirm that eventually losing them is the cherry on top.

7. Always put yourself first — take care of yourself. I still agree, but sometimes I do question my purpose outside of myself… I occasionally wonder if motherhood fills that space, even though I’m 100% positive that I don’t want kids. Like, what’s my legacy? Just thinking out loud here…

8. Getting divorced feels like the death of an idea, but it can also be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Yep!

9. Nothing (good or bad) lasts forever.

10. Living in another country benefits your mind, body, and soul.

11. Spending Saturday on the sofa is amazing, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Do it more often.

12. You’re more resilient than you think.

13. Disconnecting from people who make you feel like shit is okay (and necessary). This applies to everything, not just people.

14. Good things really do take time.

15. Slow down and pay attention.

16. People pleasing will just make you feel like shit. Stop doing it. Ugh, thanks for the reminder.

17. Taking time and space alone is okay.

18. Getting older is a blessing.

19. Exploring creative outlets and sharing them with the world can bring you joy, but remember, it’s more about the process than the results.

20. You can do whatever you want if you set your mind to it (like your recent desire to write a book) — go for it. Ha! Still working on this one. But writing here is a good start.

21. People will disappoint you. Get used to it. Amen.

22. Your parents did their best. Dad, I know you read all my letters. Love ya!

23. Corporate 9-to-5 life is not for everyone, and it takes a lot of courage to leave it behind.

24. Having a plan is good, but life usually takes over, so get used to it.

25. Solo travel is amazing and lonely in the best way possible.

26. More is not always better. It’s the enemy of happiness, which was brought to my attention while reading The Daily Stoic (February 17th entry).

27. Being vulnerable has more benefits than you thought.

28. Letting go is hard, but always being in control is exhausting.

29. Some friendships don’t make sense anymore, and that’s fine.

30. Long-term romantic relationships are hard as fuck. But the deeper friendship that develops is also really nice.

31. Dealing with obstacles by always moving forward is a good approach. But sometimes you need to stop and sit with it.

32. You don’t have to get married and have kids [insert more societal norms] just because everyone else does.

33. Stay curious and always be learning.

34. Pushing through the novelty of new things and sticking to them is where the magic happens. Yep. Still working on it!

35. Slow and steady (usually) wins the race.

36. Houseplants can change a space, and you know how to keep them alive. True. I love my plant babies! But I’m not sure how much this would have changed my life if I had become a plant mom earlier. Replace #36 with: Spending more time outdoors (like you did as a kid) improves your wellbeing, especially your sleep! I think I could write a whole post about the things I’m doing (slash trying) to get a better night’s rest in my 40s. Meantime, this piece about failing my mental load test is related. Shout-out to my gal pal Josephine for suggesting we spend the day wandering around Zuid-Kennemerland National Park. Look at this cute, shaggy highland cow!

37. Seeking out therapy when you feel you need it is a positive thing. Don’t feel bad about wanting or needing help. Also, developing a daily journaling habit can be a form of self-guided therapy.

38. Regretting things you’ve done is better than wondering “what if”. Still my favorite!

39. Do what makes you happy and fuck the rest. Okay, but let’s be realistic. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and this is almost the same as #1 above. Replace #39 with: Don’t make things harder than they need to be; “good enough” is just fine.

40. This quote about the grief of losing someone by Jamie Anderson is 100% true: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Thanks for reading, and see you soon.

Alexis

P.S. Regardless of your age, I’d love to know what you’d add to this list of things you’ve learned during your time on this planet!

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