The other day I was chatting with a friend on the phone about how we’re both in the midst of evaluating our careers (among other areas of our lives) and how ideally we’d like to make some changes on all fronts. The next day, I popped into a “life forty plus” channel in a women’s online networking group, and saw a message from a community member that said something along the lines of wanting to blow up her life to live in a van, travel around, and waitress here and there to fund her life. Then she asked if that was normal at her age; she’s in her mid-forties. About 20 other women, including me, replied to reassure her that it is and that she’s not alone. How exciting is it to be a woman in your 40s, ready to light a torch and blow shit up?
But the more I thought about it, I wondered whether we truly want to reinvent ourselves in such extreme ways—as in blowing up our lives—or if we just feel like we should because now that we’re in our 40s it’s time to shake things up or finally figure out what the fuck we’re doing with our lives?
“Now it’s time to optimize your authenticity and find your life’s purpose.”
Most of what I read online about midlife reinvention talks about doing less, saying no, listening to what our bodies really want, yada yada. I must admit, it’s relatable, but I can’t help but feel like it’s just as prescriptive as “X ways to [insert some big societal normative achievement]”.
It’s still about improving or optimizing this and that so we can feel like we’re moving in the right direction, which is usually forward or up. You spent your 20s and 30s optimizing your career, building a family, or both. Congratulations! Now it’s time to optimize your authenticity and find your life’s purpose. I don’t know about you, but I still have no freakin clue what I’m doing with my life, and the more I force “figuring it out”, the more insane it makes me feel.
That said, after turning 40—and specifically since my mom died and I began questioning my own mortality and how short life is—I’ve been reconsidering a lot of what I used to equate with life success. Things like money, climbing the career ladder, doing things to please or get approval from others, and so on. I’m not living under a rock or on water and sunshine; I understand the importance of earning enough to live your desired lifestyle, but more is not always better.
Maybe instead of blowing up our lives, it’s more about shedding what was once imposed on us, or what we chose at a specific time because it felt right then, and editing down to what we actually care about now. Perhaps there are also some things we’ve always cared about but were too afraid to admit or pursue because they might mean we were too disruptive or unconventional.
But trailblazing comes with its own challenges. There are no “normal” milestones or accomplishments that are widely celebrated when you choose a less conventional path in life, making it easy to question whether you’re doing things right. Like why isn’t anyone throwing me a baby shower when I buy a new plant baby? Just saying. I have almost 20, and they’re all still alive and thriving. Let’s celebrate!
“Has ‘reinvention season’ just become a trend now that millennial women are sick of the hustle culture that we grew up with?”
What I wonder is if men are also bombarded with midlife reinvention headlines, or is it ok to just have a midlife crisis and get on with it? For some reason, the idea of a midlife crisis feels a lot easier than a reinvention, at least to me. Or what about calling it “midlife shedding”—a time to peel back all the layers you’ve accumulated in life so far to find out what’s really at the core, under all the armor you’ve layered on during the first half of your life. Or maybe it doesn’t need to be named at all.
Yet here I am, trying to figure out how I want to live the second half of my life, even going so far as to ask other people how they’re thinking about the second half of theirs. I just can’t help myself… I guess midlife existential dread loves company.
Has “reinvention season” just become a trend now that millennial women are sick of the hustle culture that we grew up with? You’re in you’re 40s, you’re entering midlife, it’s time to quit your job, become a solopreneur who generates passive income working only two hours a day, move to an island, start a hobby business, get divorced (unless you’re like me and you already did that in your 30s, oops), say “no” (full stop) to everything, and also look fabulous (and like you haven’t aged a day). Oh, and do it ALL at once.
When did getting older require becoming someone entirely new overnight or ever?
I think so often it feels like we need to have it all together all the time and that slowly changing and evolving without any big announcements means it’s not actually happening. Or it’s not happening fast enough or in a measurable way.
“I worry that by constantly trying to figure out exactly who we’re becoming or who we’re meant to be in some distant future, we’re overlooking all the good things happening right now.”
What’s next? Reinvention reveal parties? Do we really need to make some big statement or set off fireworks to announce what we’re not putting up with anymore or what big changes we’re making in our lives?
What if all it requires is pausing long enough to notice what’s essential to us right now, so we can keep what fits and discard the rest, exposing a version of ourselves that makes sense in this season of our lives. I’m not trying to be all preachy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve contradicted myself a few times already (and I will continue to do so—it’s a human condition!), but I worry that by constantly trying to figure out exactly who we’re becoming or who we’re meant to be in some distant future, we’re overlooking all the good things happening right now. I’m typing this now as a reminder to myself as well. I’m guilty of living in the past or the future at times.
So then, back to my question. Is midlife reinvention just a trap?
Not exactly. I think we become trapped when we believe that “reinvention” needs to be dramatic, or even needs to be defined at all. We are human. We are meant to change and evolve. I think most of our lives are spent in the “messy middle,” in periods of experimentation, and that’s what keeps it interesting. Whether we’re aware of it or not, I think we have many seasons in life.
So maybe this is my plea (and reminder to myself) to drop the pressure around this performative act of declaring exactly how we’re changing and reinventing ourselves today, right this second, because we’re constantly evolving in every phase of our lives, and that’s good enough.
What do you think?
Thanks for reading,
Alexis
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